I don't usually arrange sex via text message
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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