Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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