Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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