I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
