I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
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