I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize