You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I AM VODKA MAN
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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