the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
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