Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
