Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
