Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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