when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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