Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
