the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I pour the whiskey from now on
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
