Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
