and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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