Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
