Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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