i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
