Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
