Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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