It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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