she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
She even gives head with a lisp.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
