Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
