Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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