I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
