suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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