Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
