I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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