bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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