i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
