i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
