did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
