Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
