quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
