Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
