HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
