The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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