I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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