What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Randomize
