We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
