I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
