the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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