I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
