my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Use "feeling words"
Yay
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
