I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
