Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
