When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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