I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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