that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
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